It is funny how the consequences for your actions hit you differently once you are alone.
You try to be strong, put on a brave face and organize your life in a way that the chaos that reigned your life so far cannot destroy you.
The vacuum left by the disregard of my family is still there. That big part of me that I could always reach to, seeking comfort, instruction and even endless hours of complaints and derogatory comments still echoes like one screaming at the edge of a canyon.
But there is no returning shout, just the Doppler effect of my voice disappearing in the void.
I bought flowers this week. I lit candles and made a cozy corner, just to drink some tea from the sofa so I could enjoy some soft indie music and indulge the coziness of my home which I've built with so much effort.
I took a picture of the beauty of it all and my first instinct was to send a picture to my mom.
But I couldn't.
She told me I am not her daughter anymore. And I realized how ingrained this attention and validation seeking instinct was in me.
Despite the hurt, the screams, the betrayals and her attempt in my life, I still wanted to show her I was happy.
But I couldn't as, according to her, I was not worthy of happiness as I did not bow to her wishes and demands.
So, just as I was starting to break under the heaviness of the reality of the loneliness that my little yellow room hid, a message popped up in my mobile.
It was Arthur, talking to me about his bout of sadness at reaching a benchmark of his life: ten years of having graduated, and realizing that he had not reached what he had planned for his life by this important benchmark.
And as I ministered into his life, I ended up ministering to my own life.
The loneliness in my heart is just temporary, as it is just a reflection of a hard earned peace that cannot be compared to the years of being surrounded by people and voices at all times, but still feeling lonely and unheard.
So, wherever you are, remember that you deserve peace and be safe, away from an environment that only seeks to destroy you and diminish you to nothing.
Your peace can not be bought, destroyed or diminished by the voices of uncertainty in your mind.
So, as I can not share this with my mom, I share this with you, my reader.
Happy Thanksgiving... even if you are celebrating it alone as I am.
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